Wins and Losses

I lost a friend and a father within a week of each other.  Disease took my dad beyond remembering who I am, who he is.  Death took Miles.

Soon after my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I had a dream. In that dream Dad and I were standing on the rim of a canyon, deep and rocky.  Dad started to walk down the trail that lead into the depth. I could not go with him. It was a journey he had to take alone and I could go no further. I was furious. I yelled into that canyon as loud as I could: “He’s my father, and you can’t have him!” “He’s my father and you can’t have him!” over and over and over again. But the canyon, cold and emotionless, just echoed my cries.  I was powerless, and Dad continued his descent. All I could do was watch and yell into the abyss as I lost sight of my father.

At the time of the dream I thought of that canyon as the disease of Alzheimer’s.  But now having lost Miles, I see that dream again in my memory.  Miles’ body died by his own hand, but at that time I think his spirit was in the same dark canyon that my father now wanders.

Rocky, my father:  There is no amount of writing and remembering that can describe what Dad has done for me and his family. The man that had backed me un-conditionly. My entire life proving a bond that nothing in this world could break. Love

Miles, my friend: The person who’s simple compliment on my improving grappling made me feel ten feet tall. The guy who saw me having a bad day and asked me if I needed to talk about it.  Miles was a man younger than me that I looked to like a big brother.

In the past, death and loss made me bitter. I once thought it better to not love than to lose love. The pain was to much.  The experience of losing Dad and Miles tells me I was wrong. I now know that there is no end to energy. I can feel it deeper than any loss. The actions of Dad and Miles live forever, as positive effects are like ripples on the surface of an eternal pond.  The times I had with these men cannot be changed.  Knowing this reminds me to live and love without holding back….. and that is my goal.

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